Eggs

Okay - tomorrow is the day I find our if shooting myself with needles has done anything.  Did I produce any eggs?
1 I just need 1

it's kind of a weird feeling.  I want to produce eggs because I'd like the shots to have worked so we can get the invitro, but I also want the satisfaction of feeling like a woman.  If I haven't produced eggs I really think I will feel failed.  I mean that's it then isn't it?
We would try 1 more cycle - that is what we have talked about and agreed on.
however, if I don't bust out any eggs, not even one - pretty sure I will feel like and old woman.
Nearly 43 and being put out to pasture.  If we were on an island, I'd be one of the ones they killed off first!  EArly meno-pause sucks ass.
Please one working ovary, Please, Please pop out a viable egg!

day 4

Yup - day 4.  I woke, my 3rd shot was last night, with a low grade migraine - its dull, but its there.  I know its from the hormones.  Little circles of bruising from where I've injected myself sit along my belt line.  So far no other symptoms to speak of.  I keep wondering, will it work?  What if I don't even produce 1 egg!  What if 4 happen?
I hope our home sells sooner than later.  A mild hot flash ..............

time to shoot.

Menstruation/Hot Flashes/Repronex

Period on Monday.
Bring on the hot flashes Tuesday.
Today was my first shot.

1 down.
4 to go .................... next Thursday we move to level 2.

As I stared at myself in the mirror and thought about my life.  The years ahead, Charlotte growing in to a young woman.  The years that I missed because of various things.  Some brought on by other people, some brought on by myself.  I had to wonder why would I do this to her.  Having a baby is gonna mess her up at this stage of the game.  But I could hear the voice, if I don't I will regret that I didn't try.  So I'm 57 when it is the age Charlotte is now.
I need to sign her up for voice lessons this week.

Hot Flashes

Well I really thought I was going to be getting a period.
The tell tale lite colored spotting happened ..... usually after that, I get a period.  So I rushed out and picked up the 5 days worth of needles and shots.  To much to my dismay, no period.  There we were up at Loon Lake and i started hot flashing 2 days ago.
Great.
This is just not going to happen for us.  I am very sad.  Off I go to the shed.

FSH 13.7

Well - some good news came upon us from our last visit to the Ovary doctor.  He was pleasantly surprised by my test results from the day 3 FSH blood work.
My score was 13.7  which is totally normal for a 42 year old. Not like the 31 FSH that came out of my other blood test.  Yikes
So from that we have determined, I have one ovary that is old.  I mean shut the fuck up old.  the other one ..... well it is holding in there at 42.  It still wants to do its job and it hopes to keep up for awhile yet.
So forward we go!  yes Lyle and I are going for it.
Yup - it is not the smartest thing ever, but it is what it is and we are doing it.
I am now waiting for a period.  Yippee -   and then on day 3, i start the injections.
yes, thats right, injections.  Me.  I nearly passed out when the nurse mentioned it.  Yup - injections.  right in my belly fat.   Good thing I have lots of that -
then we hope that I produce eggs that are viable.  then if all is healthy, i get the turkey baster injection.
Yes it is money to do it.  Tons of appointments coming up.  and if, that is still a big if,  we end up pregnant ..........OMGosh . we are so not prepared.  but guess what?  We are doing it and being totally stupid about it.  We are not telling our families that we are doing it.  If it happens we are gonna be like - Ooops!  As neither of us feel there will be much if any support from my family especially.
It was just nice to have good news for once.

The Results are In!!

Well - the blood doesn't lie, I guess.

Confirmed, old ovaries.   menopause confirmed.  More tests on Saturday to confirm what I think we already know ............. my eggs are old and my ovaries are shriveling up

there is nothing that can be done if what I/we/the doctor believes the results will read.  Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.

So 16 years ago when I hatched my plan to have a baby because I had a gut feeling, a knowing, that if I didn't get on it it wasn't going to happen. That day I woke up and the thought woudl't get out of my head that I was only going to have one baby.  That if I didn't get my ducks lined up and make it happen ...........
now I have the same feeling about my lungs house and dying .........

i have some things to do

being right isn't what its cracked up to be

TESTS

Did some more blood tests last week.
Checking my pituitary function.  Had to fast this time.  So that was different.  Got my period the day I went for the blood work.  So I guess we'll see what is different with this one than the last.  Lyle needs to get his last sperm test in to Dr Tregonings office and we are up and running.  See exactly where we are at with this fertility thing and I am quite curious about my hormone levels and where they are at.  Is it just stress?  I really do wonder