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PERIOD!

Acceptance

WEll - It's been 2 weeks since finding out my eggs have shriveled.
Oh I've felt different twinges, discharge is crazy.  My hormones are obviously working themselves out.  Hot flashes coming and going politely.  Night sweats being assholes, which is unusual for them.  The night stuff hasn't happened for awhile, but everything seems to be finding its ground zero.  No period in sight.  My last chemically induced one was March 5.  Dr. Ovary wanted to set up a closure appointment.  I still haven't done that yet.  Guess I will.
So for now I slide in to meno-pause I guess.  Skin has taken a turn for the worse over the last few months.  Like where is the moisture at?  I drink water like crazy at work. So much that I am in the bathroom once an hour.  I really notice the dryness.  Especially on my face under my eyes.  I need to switch out my foundation it's so bad.  yet I can have these wacky grease moments.  Especially with my hair!  Estrogen - or lack of i suppose.  I notice the elasticity is different too.  So bizarre to feel the change and notice it.
However, I must say, now that i am accepting the no baby thing, the meno-pause thing is really getting much easier.  I don't feel guilty or try to fight each and every hot flash.  Its just exhausting when you do that!  I am off all the supplements, although I am thinking I will go back on the Coenzyme Q10 the doc gave me for Fertility.  I did spend a pile on them.  It's not like they are at all bad for me. I'll take them till they are gone.  Throwing them out seems like such a waste.
So I wonder when I will get a period again.  I also wonder what it will be like.  There was stuff in there.  It was growing.  There was a uterine lining ......... like where does it go?  Does it shrink along with the eggs?  There were 4 in there.  They've go to come out don't they?  I would think something does .............. and will it be nasty like the last one?  Tar and pudding leaking out of me.  Nice image I know.  But that's what this blog is all about, how it really is to be a girl.
When you are and have been as body aware as I have been for the last 10 years, there are things you notice that change that someone else would just float right over and not notice.  I was alone for a long time too noticing odd changes that you might pass off.
Period changes, discharge changes, more interested in sex changes, hair, my allergies have been a HUGE one too - just so many minute things that change so gradually till most women suddenly go - when the hell did that happen?  It's an interesting journey I will continue to share.

Blog On

Dear Ms Pause

Dear Ms. Pause,

     The first time I recall meeting your sister Peri,  was in the fall of 1997.  I had just turned 28 years old.  I didn't know who she was.  Maybe we'd met before, but it wasn't significant enough for me to remember.   The visit was unannounced and short lived.  I think I must have made her mad when I got pregnant shortly after our first meeting.  She came around again soon after Charlotte was born.  I was so busy I didn't know what to make of her.  She was sneaky, only coming at night when I was asleep. I didn't recognize her as the same.  I thought it was Mr thyroid knocking, but it never was.  She turned into my first suspect,  so she switched it up.

Next she played with my delicate hormones.   Making my mind think things that would make me blush.  My body doing things I didn't think possible.  Then in 2003 she really started to play.  She re-introduced herself to me the same way she had years earlier, intent on making herself known.  I couldn't deny who she was this time.  

I visited my Dr and asked for more testing, she hid every time.  He telling me I am too young to have her making a home in my body for you Ms Pause.   I went to my mother and asked her if she recognized Peri.  She dismissed me, telling me its not Peri and that I am suffering from stress.

Stress sounded good to me.  I did and was experiencing it a lot , so I did my best to convince myself that's all it was.  That worked for a few years.  I teetered and tottered always knowing it was Peri.  As time went on I became convinced it was Peri.  I tried to talk to her, tell her I am only in my mid-thirties, please leave me be.  I begged her as I began to realize the chance to have another child was rapidly running out.  That's when I learned, Peri can not hear.

As time went on I felt you visit Ms Pause.  I knew you were coming to see if your room was ready to take up residence.  You were just visiting your sister.  I fought you, I ignored you.  Taking all kinds of vitamins, reading books on what can I do, hormones, shots.  Unfortunately, keeping calm and stress free was one of the main weapons against you.  That is something my life does not seem to ever be without.  You decided the room is nearly ready as you and your sister began entertaining. 
You were so much stronger than I anticipated.

I know you are still moving a few things in.  Peri is here too and the two of you are getting along nicely.  

I'm sure it won't be long now till you live here completely.  I will still remind you to keep the party's quiet and have Madame Primrose on guard.   We do have to try to live here together.  I will do my best to learn from you and embrace your presence now.  I hope I have not done too much damage to your home with the recent battle I raged.  I ask that you respect me and I will respect you.  Please let me have parts of my body back so that I can feel sexy and beautiful again.

You are here Ms Pause this I know, but so am I.  

I am Kristi and I am 43.

I will do my best to live with you with dignity.  I will hold my head high, knowing I've been through the worst of the battle already.  I will be an ear for my girlfriends as I watch them meet your sister as they will in these next few years.  They will not recognize her either.  She is a chameleon.  But I know her tricks well now and see her for who she truly is.  Mind games and all.  I thank you both for making me wise.

Take care.

Respectfully,

Kristi

Just Like those Suicidal Easter Creme Eggs on The Commercials

My eggs have shriveled, gone, disappeared.

ALL of them.  The ones that came from this last cycle.

Every one.

There won't be another try.  There is nothing else to do.
Dr Ovary looked like he was gonna cry too while he searched and searched.  The ones that were nearly big enough on Friday, shrunk.  Not even that they stopped growing, they actually shrunk.
So that's it.

Curiousity Satisfied and Surprised!

Well slap my Ass and call me Dorothy, i got me some eggs in my basket!

Eggs, that Dr Ovary believes, will be big enough to get some action by Monday.
What the Hell!
I go back in Monday at 11:30 to see if they are where they are supposed to be.  There are some.  2 fersure, what looks like a couple more, but my bladder was filling up as I was laying there.  So it was hard to see all that he needed to see.  So 4!!!
Holy Carp!  I was on the wind down to barrenville and despair, guess we are not on the dirt road yet.
Ovaries are still acting out, left more than the right.  Boobs are slow but fulling.  Flashes are coming and going ................. its all very weird.

Blog On?

Fast & Furious

Hot flashes - definite hot flashes.
They come on fast.  Nearly to their top degree mark and vanish just as quick.  That is new.
No sticking around to make me uncomfortable for 5 minutes.  No build.  jut like a switch.  On and Off.
Yes I am taking EVERYTHING.  My Iswearbyit Primrose combo and the fertil horse pills the ovary doc gave me.  Yet here I am with the estrogen switch being turned on and off.
So my ovaries are busy working overtime doing something, while they struggle with flashes. Are my ovaries bi-polar?

Nature vs Chemicals

Well, I think i will be the most surprised on Friday if there is anything going on with my ovaries other than shriveling and retirement.
i am not feeling them doing anything as I have in the past.  I mean, its there, but not like it has been previously.  Had a couple fersure hot flashes yesterday.  There is some brown spotting.  its time to accept, this is my reproductive end.  Even with Hormones pumping thru my body.  I wonder if we were to try harvesting if there is different meds for that and if that would even happen?  Somehow I don't think so.  This wasn't the best cycle, i knew that going in.  I am taking my Fertil Co all my oils religiously 3 times a day, but nature finds a way when it wants to.  Just like a river that's been dammed, it will find its way.
I am being told very loudly, NO!
Although I think, my Alvin is acting up and I do have a great deal of other pain going on right now, so it is difficult to focus on what my body is feeling.  yet I think i know the answer.
We will see.  4 days till the hunt.  We will see