Trying Again

Such good news!

if you recall, my brother and his wife had a miscarriage earlier this year.

I jsut got word from him that she is knocked up again.  She is JUST pregnant.  That would put her due in July.  Thats when I was hoping for this last month - but of course wake this AM with my period.

so i am happy for them.

Mountain and I talked about the baby thing for us just the other night.  Sometimes i just don't know.  Guess I said a lot that put it on him.  And yah, thats how I feel now.  He got upset.  Not mad or fighty or anything, just kinda wondering why I am making it all about him?  Well, i said......cuz it is.  untill you go and get that other test done, its about you.  You claim to only have one working nut, yet havne't gone to the doctor about it.  We already know you have a low sperm count, yet you won't stop having your 'personal' time and then we 'do it' when i am ovulating, but might as well just be shooting water up there.  so Yah i put it on you.  

i am ovulating.  i have been charting.  I've gone for the invasive ultra-sound.  i've gone for blood work.  I am taking folic acid and lecithin and......

Yah i am putting it on you.  What have you done?

and then i reminded him that I turn 40 in 5 weeks.  They won't help us.  It was like the first time he'd ever heard it.  YOU WERE SITTING RIGHT THERE WHEN THE DOCTOR TOLD US!  Anyhow.........my Bobo is expecting.  My Sister is expecting and its a good thing i am not.  Cuz I am not working.  We don't have room in this house.  Blessings come in all kinds of ways.

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So No Baby Then

as the PMS heats up and I notice every little messy thing in my house I think about the 'giving up' that I've done on the baby thing.

I am angry more than anything.

I

m angry about a  few things.

Firstly cause this is it.  I mean.  Obviously Mountain can't get me pregnant.  I am ovulating.  All the charts, pee'd on sticks, temp checks and doctor say so.  His sperm count is low.  and He has procrastinated himself up the ass about going and getting the second test we need to make it fersure to get to the next level.  

I was going to push to get to some kind of next level on my own, but that is dumb.

i am Not working.  Before when I was working  we could have done it.

We would have had to sell and buy.  It could have worked.  By the skin of our teeth, but it could have worked.  Now?  forget it.  We could Never get approved for a bigger mortgage now and we certainly couldn't live here with the three of us and possible 3 more!

I am 40 in 6 weeks.  There are so, so many risks at being pregnant.  Not just to the baby, but for myself.

then there's the part of my that believes Sometimes its just not meant to be and there is some unforeseen reason for that.  Tempting fate......I don't know.

There's also the watching and learning I've been doing about mountain and how shitty he is with the discipline of our cat we got.  He is bad.    He is an ungood parent to that cat!  it can only make me think he'd be ungood with our baby.  Inconsistent must be his middle name.

Of course then there's my accident.  The being able to walk thing.  The hip thing.  The leg thing.  More than likely I'd end up bed ridden.  I have a lot of pain and it is NOT going away or fixing itself.  I am doing everything I am supposed to.  2 steps forward 1 step back.  this last one was 2 steps back though and i find it so frustrating.  There is NO was we can afford a baby right now or in the near future, cuz realistically, we don't know when or if I am going to get better.

so here I sit.  Looking at my daughters disgusting room and my house jammed full of stuff and the walls that I can't even get close to to paint.  here I sit, almost grateful that I m not pregnant and marvelling at how quickly things change in a persons life.

We'll just have lots of cats that I will raise.

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Whats Going On In There

My Uterus is feeling awfully strange.

Odd stuff leaking out.

What is that all about?

I've given up