Glory

Well, that was short lived.

not so much as the need for a panty liner or balled up toilet paper in my panties.

the Dream for the day was nice.

Anybody want to buy some Menopur?  I'll sell it to you.  Half price!  needles included.

Is It?

We bit O'cramping yesterday.  This morning I wake, is that a period trying its best?
I'd call it just over a spotting.  But just over.  I'll know more as the day prgresses.
I hope its a period.  A real, bloody messy, bright red period.  I know, who wishes that right?  WEll I am.  For a couple of reasons.
First is so that I can shoot myself with these incredibly expensive drugs and see if I can produce an egg.  Second, so that my body can release.  Holy Heck.  Not having a period during this menopausal haze makes you thick.  I am excercising when I can (lots of back & hip pain) really, really watching what and how much I eat.  I have cut my favorite meal, potato's, all but out.  Small portions of everything.  No I am not starving myself as I know what the body does when you do that, and i just keep getting thicker and thicker. My belly!  Jeepers.  Just seems to be.  Thank goodness for firm support everything!  My waist ............ makes me sad.  There was always 11/12inches difference between my waist and hips.  and My waist was loooong.  Now I find a wee bit of waist just in my upper rib cage and there aint no 11inches gap no more!  Thank Goodness for bra's that add 2 cup sizes.  Creative dressing is the key.  I am all but off the wine, even in this wonderous Christmas season.  yup - I be boozeless.  I thought fersure all I had to do was stop drinking and the fat would just shed.  Nope.  That not be the case.
So on to my out loud dreaming ................
if this truly is a healthy period, not like the nasty sad one of October, I will start with 5 days of Menopur on Tuesday the 18th!  That would put me at a scan on Boxing Day.  I hope they will be open.  If all is great and I have produced a healthy egg, I will get the turkey baster sometime the following week.  Then we hope for the best.  If all goes well and I get fertilized ............ carry without miscarry ................ i will be due in September!  Oh My Gosh how exciting that would be.
Okay, Positive thoughts, Positive thoughts.
I don't want to go into all the negative that would and will surround these choices and chances Lyle and I are taking.  The effects on our little family.  The effects on our finances.  The effects on our housing ........
Positive.  Positive.  Positive.
A baby girl - could I name her Alice.  I like Alice.  Simple.  Old unused name.  Or to match Charlotte ....... Georgia/Georgina ............. Theodora .............. Thomasina ............ Frances/Francine ............ they all turn in to boys names.  I like that.  Aaaaaah to dream ................
okay, back to the real world.  Lets get those sheets in the dryer and finish that Christmas baking!

Last period - Oct 15. (if you can call it a period)

It is now Dec 3rd ........i got nothin

Is It Hot in Here?

Nope, just a hot flash.

Holy Heck.  I am taking my primrose/vit E/Bcomplex combination and it is helping.  How do I have such faith?  well, because I stopped for a bit just to see and yup.  The combo makes it easier to get thru.  The flashes are not quite so sweaty and not so often.  But its got to be all 3 twice to 3 times daily to feel the full affect.
Sad thing is, i think i am really heading head first into this thing now.  I think I've only got a  couple if not zero, spotty surprises left.  Over the last few weeks, I've really started to let go of the baby dream.  I have not cried yet - but it will come.  Part of me is still holding on to the dream that I will wake up one morning and my skin will feel like it did a few years ago.  That I won't have even one hot flash.  And that i will have a glorious healthy period!  (its not going to happen, but let the other side of me read that)
What is with this weight gain?  Slow and steady a couple more pounds have creeped on. Now, this is still out for debate as I have been exercising regularly.  So the lbs on the scale quite honestly are probably muscle lbs.  I am feeling a shift in my body as far as how my clothes are fitting as the muscles are pulling things ...... er fat up.  I am still unable to really cardio out because of the accident, but whatever.  I do my best to go for a walk a couple times a week.  Do some squats and my ab stuff, its better than nothing right?  and as I have read, excercise  is always important, but even more important now as our aging body's are getting rid of bone mass, arteries are working hard from the years of crap we've ingested, the stress from our youth taking a toll.  Excercise is Key!!!  I am on the program and in the routine of doing it - that in itself is hard to get to.  So on I will go!  I will keep the faith that one day I will have less back fat and more of my waist back.  It will be a glorious day!

Is This It?

After making the decision to not grab hold of our opportunity in September.  Holding on to the hope that we will have another chance.  Another period.  After all the reading I did about how the 2nd or 3rd subsequent try with hormones gets results ....... October's period came and went. it was not much more than spotting here and then there and then nowhere.  I excitedly called the ovary doctor to let them know I was going to start on the new double dose and to schedule me for the ultrasound.  Day 3 came and it was very clear this was not a period.
Here I am 2 weeks later feeling regret that I didn't do it in September.  It was a good period.  It was a real period.  I chose that stupid course over this.
Will I ever get a real period again?
I am ignoring and pretending the hot flashes aren't happening.  I am taking my evening primrose, Vit E, Folic Acid and B complex faithfully.  I believe it to be helping.  If anything, it is helping my sex drive make an appearance.  Now maybe, if I could slip some of the concoction to my husband ...........
The walking I was doing has subsided due to rain.  But I am faithfully doing squats, side bends and core excercises every night.  I've got to find the waist that Ms. Pause has so gleefully been taking over.  The wieght gain is whatever.  I can't stress out over it.  Hormones are such a bitch. I have discovered since starting up on my squats and waist trimmers, the numbers on the scale have been inching up, yet I am getting tighter.  So I know its muscle.  Ms. Pause can take a lot away from me, but she can't take my muscle memory.  There was a time I was in fabulous shape.  Had amazing legs and a nice back, so if I can find all that, even if its under 2 inches of insulation, that will be fine.  Everything will sit higher and tighter.  We will wait and see if I eventually have another 'real' period and if not - at least I'll have a rock hard ass!

Poo

Does meno-pause make you constipated?

Menopur and so Many Decisions

WEll here we are again, another period.  It's a good one.  Messy, everything is tender, I am so very, very tired ........ and so off I went to the ovary doctor to see what we are doing.  He wants me taking a heavier dosage and this time a different drug.  To stimulate me more.
Menopur.  That's $700 bux of expensive double dosage of drug.  YiKes!  Good thing the husbands plan covers it.  It cost me 12 dollars, the dispensing fee.  Cool.
But - this time I bought it from the pharmacy.  Wal-Mart pharmacy.  they ahd to order it in.  I picked it up last night from a very confused pharmacist.  She was trying so hard to understand how many mlls and how many shots and how to mix it ............ i need to call my ovary specialist today and go over it.  Don't want to mess this up!
however, there is something else to consider this time.  I have started a course at my work.  Training for the next step up in the company.  For the next 2 weeks, starting next week, I am in a course.  I have managed permission from my instructor for next Friday to come to class late for a specialist appointment, so that is good.  But what if this drug actually works?  What if I actually get some good healthy eggs this time?  They will want to do the "boost" the week after.......i will need to miss more of my course again.  Get more permission from the instructor, then i will need to go again to get the turkey baster!  This might be bad timing.  I mean, I want to do this and I want a good result and I am eager for the result, but not at the cost of my schooling.  Somthing that is very valuable for my future and the $$$ i will be bringing in.  The direction I am going with my career.  Especially if it all works out and I am sitting here in a year with a bundle of combined genetics of mine and my husbands.  I want to know I have a job to go back to.  More options for a job to go back to.
Do I wait for another cycle?  Another cycle that may not come.  Another cycle that may not be as good as this one?  Or maybe this one is a good one at all, i just think it is cause I feel like such shit.............
What do i do?

Zapped Libido

Menopause sure gets rid of the sex drive.

I've been on a slow decline for the  last couple years.  I realized a few weeks ago ...... i really don't have any interest anymore.  I mean sometimes, but its nothing I can't take care of myself.  And the thing is, I don't feel like I'm missing it.
what I do miss is the feeling of wanting it.  I used to have sex nearly every night!
not with this partner, my now husband, but in the past.  I would crave it, wait for it, use it.  Now ...................... meh

Yes, I have a few different theories about this odd transformation of my sex life not all of them end in menopause.

but still .......................... Meh .....................

Shriveled Egg

well, at least there was an egg.
but it was no good.  Far too small for anything.
So we start again -
I am now taking Evening Primrose, vitamin E and a combo of B6/B12 added to Folic Acid to try to combat the hot flashes and the obvious lack of estrogen I appear to be suffering from.  Hopefully that helps for the next round.
I filled out all the paperwork for the claim for the  repronex - so I am hoping to be reimbursed.  So all we are losing is the cash for the ultrasounds - so it is okay.
The Ovary doc is meeting with his Genesis buddies and putting his head together with them to see what more can be done to stimulate my one good ovary.
I had set my personal limit to 2 cycles - but I have been researching deeper - I might just go 3.
So now we wait again.  I flash my way through my days ........not too bad the past couple since I changed over my supplements.

Eggs

Okay - tomorrow is the day I find our if shooting myself with needles has done anything.  Did I produce any eggs?
1 I just need 1

it's kind of a weird feeling.  I want to produce eggs because I'd like the shots to have worked so we can get the invitro, but I also want the satisfaction of feeling like a woman.  If I haven't produced eggs I really think I will feel failed.  I mean that's it then isn't it?
We would try 1 more cycle - that is what we have talked about and agreed on.
however, if I don't bust out any eggs, not even one - pretty sure I will feel like and old woman.
Nearly 43 and being put out to pasture.  If we were on an island, I'd be one of the ones they killed off first!  EArly meno-pause sucks ass.
Please one working ovary, Please, Please pop out a viable egg!

day 4

Yup - day 4.  I woke, my 3rd shot was last night, with a low grade migraine - its dull, but its there.  I know its from the hormones.  Little circles of bruising from where I've injected myself sit along my belt line.  So far no other symptoms to speak of.  I keep wondering, will it work?  What if I don't even produce 1 egg!  What if 4 happen?
I hope our home sells sooner than later.  A mild hot flash ..............

time to shoot.

Menstruation/Hot Flashes/Repronex

Period on Monday.
Bring on the hot flashes Tuesday.
Today was my first shot.

1 down.
4 to go .................... next Thursday we move to level 2.

As I stared at myself in the mirror and thought about my life.  The years ahead, Charlotte growing in to a young woman.  The years that I missed because of various things.  Some brought on by other people, some brought on by myself.  I had to wonder why would I do this to her.  Having a baby is gonna mess her up at this stage of the game.  But I could hear the voice, if I don't I will regret that I didn't try.  So I'm 57 when it is the age Charlotte is now.
I need to sign her up for voice lessons this week.

Hot Flashes

Well I really thought I was going to be getting a period.
The tell tale lite colored spotting happened ..... usually after that, I get a period.  So I rushed out and picked up the 5 days worth of needles and shots.  To much to my dismay, no period.  There we were up at Loon Lake and i started hot flashing 2 days ago.
Great.
This is just not going to happen for us.  I am very sad.  Off I go to the shed.

FSH 13.7

Well - some good news came upon us from our last visit to the Ovary doctor.  He was pleasantly surprised by my test results from the day 3 FSH blood work.
My score was 13.7  which is totally normal for a 42 year old. Not like the 31 FSH that came out of my other blood test.  Yikes
So from that we have determined, I have one ovary that is old.  I mean shut the fuck up old.  the other one ..... well it is holding in there at 42.  It still wants to do its job and it hopes to keep up for awhile yet.
So forward we go!  yes Lyle and I are going for it.
Yup - it is not the smartest thing ever, but it is what it is and we are doing it.
I am now waiting for a period.  Yippee -   and then on day 3, i start the injections.
yes, thats right, injections.  Me.  I nearly passed out when the nurse mentioned it.  Yup - injections.  right in my belly fat.   Good thing I have lots of that -
then we hope that I produce eggs that are viable.  then if all is healthy, i get the turkey baster injection.
Yes it is money to do it.  Tons of appointments coming up.  and if, that is still a big if,  we end up pregnant ..........OMGosh . we are so not prepared.  but guess what?  We are doing it and being totally stupid about it.  We are not telling our families that we are doing it.  If it happens we are gonna be like - Ooops!  As neither of us feel there will be much if any support from my family especially.
It was just nice to have good news for once.

The Results are In!!

Well - the blood doesn't lie, I guess.

Confirmed, old ovaries.   menopause confirmed.  More tests on Saturday to confirm what I think we already know ............. my eggs are old and my ovaries are shriveling up

there is nothing that can be done if what I/we/the doctor believes the results will read.  Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.

So 16 years ago when I hatched my plan to have a baby because I had a gut feeling, a knowing, that if I didn't get on it it wasn't going to happen. That day I woke up and the thought woudl't get out of my head that I was only going to have one baby.  That if I didn't get my ducks lined up and make it happen ...........
now I have the same feeling about my lungs house and dying .........

i have some things to do

being right isn't what its cracked up to be

TESTS

Did some more blood tests last week.
Checking my pituitary function.  Had to fast this time.  So that was different.  Got my period the day I went for the blood work.  So I guess we'll see what is different with this one than the last.  Lyle needs to get his last sperm test in to Dr Tregonings office and we are up and running.  See exactly where we are at with this fertility thing and I am quite curious about my hormone levels and where they are at.  Is it just stress?  I really do wonder

Spoke to Soon

Well it seems I got too excited. I shouldn't have talked about it.

My period is gone ................ AGAIN. and In its place this time are some lovely hot flashes. --GREAT!

We finally went in to see his doctor. He pushed for me to go. So now we have the referral we need for the fertility specialist. All terrific. Unfortunitely, too late I think.

Not having a period was one thing, having hot flashes ............... so much another. I know they can do amazing things these days, but we will see.

42 and experiencing all this sucks. Early menopause. Like 10 years early *sigh*

we will see - wait for the appointment - go in and see. Maybe he can level out my hormones. Weight gain is eminant. Then there is the other side effects.

Doctor

YaY - he went to the doctor!!!

His doctor. He FINALLY went. Its probably too late. but whatever. Although, i have been quite happy with my body the last few months. I probably shouldn't talk about it or think about it as it will stop being the way its being. Shhhhhhh!

So he came home saying that his doctor wants to see both of us. So i said ok, lets go next week.

I am all for rolling the ball, it just has to be him pushing. So we'll see. I will go for tests. I will tell the doc my sexual history. I will tell him what tests I've already gone through with my doc. I will start temp taking again and charting my ovulation ...... it will be good. Maybe i will start that tomorrow jsut to be on top of it. My hormones are on a crazy up turn right now - I have hard core zits on my face and on the nape of my neck - BLECK! and I don't mean i have a lot, i mean they have a hard core. Crazy right? I don't poke at them. They are just sitting there being bumps. but I think with this new getting healthy and walking in the eves as I have. Not drinking as much, if he has one good sperm, all it takes is one - i might just get to be an older new mom! How cool would that be. The B bloodline would go on. It would be good. Lottie would have a sibling. I would clean up my act some more even, yup it would be good.

A bloodline is really good. It stops with my husband. His sister never had children. It would really just stop. WEll best not to get ahead of ourselves. Its only a doctors appointment

Regular

how is this even possible.

Mother nature is playing games with my body. I've managed to lose most of my waist, grow lovely fur on my chin, have a different 'soft' feel to my skin, experience hot flashes and months without a period ......... now suddenly ........ I am regular again?

What The Hell!

mnths later

Wow - has it really been that long since I have written. Crazy. I guess when things are just going along and life takes on momentum the venting takes a back seat?

Periods have done this weird thing the last few months.

They've become normal again. I know - What the Hell!

although, along with these seemingly normal periods, i have had more peach fuzz showing up, horrible acne and just recently this out the ordinary weight gain.

This tells me the hormones are just having a party. Well on the upside, i have some again.

My moods have been good - except where my husband is concerned - that is a whole other thing. He makes me crazy with his laziness. Whatever.

I have started a new fitness thing. Mostly to encourage a girlfriend of mine as she is selling it now. So for the first time ever, I jumped on the band wagon.

Body by Visalus - I've been giving it a shot for the last week. It boasts weight loss and healthy living without excercise! Ok - I can use some weight loss. Not sure how that can happen without excercise, but I'm willing to give it a shot. However, this weird weight gain ....... has suddenly gone up some more since I've been replacing my morning with this shake. Yup meal replacement with a protein shake? Well it has only been a week, so maybe things will look after themselves. I hope they do soon before I can't fit in to my work pants.

This weight gain is odd too. I am gaining so much in my tummy. Not like before when I started losing my waist. This is straight out in my tum tum. I am getting ol lady tummy! a pregnancy belly without being pregnant!

I am hoping with my new routine of food and my new job will come the new routine I am working on getting into. These things will help with keeping my system at more of a normal.

The neat thing now is that Charley and I have had our last 3 periods at the same time! Is it possible that that is why I've been so irregular the last few years? 2 women in the same household that are as close as we are, did she mess my cycle up?

I am still dreaming of a pregnancy. My husband still not going and getting any testing done. He has however, quite smoking! YaY! that will help his guys fersure. So maybe just maybe we will be blessed without medical help?

its a dream