Dear Ms Pause

Dear Ms. Pause,

     The first time I recall meeting your sister Peri,  was in the fall of 1997.  I had just turned 28 years old.  I didn't know who she was.  Maybe we'd met before, but it wasn't significant enough for me to remember.   The visit was unannounced and short lived.  I think I must have made her mad when I got pregnant shortly after our first meeting.  She came around again soon after Charlotte was born.  I was so busy I didn't know what to make of her.  She was sneaky, only coming at night when I was asleep. I didn't recognize her as the same.  I thought it was Mr thyroid knocking, but it never was.  She turned into my first suspect,  so she switched it up.

Next she played with my delicate hormones.   Making my mind think things that would make me blush.  My body doing things I didn't think possible.  Then in 2003 she really started to play.  She re-introduced herself to me the same way she had years earlier, intent on making herself known.  I couldn't deny who she was this time.  

I visited my Dr and asked for more testing, she hid every time.  He telling me I am too young to have her making a home in my body for you Ms Pause.   I went to my mother and asked her if she recognized Peri.  She dismissed me, telling me its not Peri and that I am suffering from stress.

Stress sounded good to me.  I did and was experiencing it a lot , so I did my best to convince myself that's all it was.  That worked for a few years.  I teetered and tottered always knowing it was Peri.  As time went on I became convinced it was Peri.  I tried to talk to her, tell her I am only in my mid-thirties, please leave me be.  I begged her as I began to realize the chance to have another child was rapidly running out.  That's when I learned, Peri can not hear.

As time went on I felt you visit Ms Pause.  I knew you were coming to see if your room was ready to take up residence.  You were just visiting your sister.  I fought you, I ignored you.  Taking all kinds of vitamins, reading books on what can I do, hormones, shots.  Unfortunately, keeping calm and stress free was one of the main weapons against you.  That is something my life does not seem to ever be without.  You decided the room is nearly ready as you and your sister began entertaining. 
You were so much stronger than I anticipated.

I know you are still moving a few things in.  Peri is here too and the two of you are getting along nicely.  

I'm sure it won't be long now till you live here completely.  I will still remind you to keep the party's quiet and have Madame Primrose on guard.   We do have to try to live here together.  I will do my best to learn from you and embrace your presence now.  I hope I have not done too much damage to your home with the recent battle I raged.  I ask that you respect me and I will respect you.  Please let me have parts of my body back so that I can feel sexy and beautiful again.

You are here Ms Pause this I know, but so am I.  

I am Kristi and I am 43.

I will do my best to live with you with dignity.  I will hold my head high, knowing I've been through the worst of the battle already.  I will be an ear for my girlfriends as I watch them meet your sister as they will in these next few years.  They will not recognize her either.  She is a chameleon.  But I know her tricks well now and see her for who she truly is.  Mind games and all.  I thank you both for making me wise.

Take care.

Respectfully,

Kristi

Just Like those Suicidal Easter Creme Eggs on The Commercials

My eggs have shriveled, gone, disappeared.

ALL of them.  The ones that came from this last cycle.

Every one.

There won't be another try.  There is nothing else to do.
Dr Ovary looked like he was gonna cry too while he searched and searched.  The ones that were nearly big enough on Friday, shrunk.  Not even that they stopped growing, they actually shrunk.
So that's it.

Curiousity Satisfied and Surprised!

Well slap my Ass and call me Dorothy, i got me some eggs in my basket!

Eggs, that Dr Ovary believes, will be big enough to get some action by Monday.
What the Hell!
I go back in Monday at 11:30 to see if they are where they are supposed to be.  There are some.  2 fersure, what looks like a couple more, but my bladder was filling up as I was laying there.  So it was hard to see all that he needed to see.  So 4!!!
Holy Carp!  I was on the wind down to barrenville and despair, guess we are not on the dirt road yet.
Ovaries are still acting out, left more than the right.  Boobs are slow but fulling.  Flashes are coming and going ................. its all very weird.

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Fast & Furious

Hot flashes - definite hot flashes.
They come on fast.  Nearly to their top degree mark and vanish just as quick.  That is new.
No sticking around to make me uncomfortable for 5 minutes.  No build.  jut like a switch.  On and Off.
Yes I am taking EVERYTHING.  My Iswearbyit Primrose combo and the fertil horse pills the ovary doc gave me.  Yet here I am with the estrogen switch being turned on and off.
So my ovaries are busy working overtime doing something, while they struggle with flashes. Are my ovaries bi-polar?

Nature vs Chemicals

Well, I think i will be the most surprised on Friday if there is anything going on with my ovaries other than shriveling and retirement.
i am not feeling them doing anything as I have in the past.  I mean, its there, but not like it has been previously.  Had a couple fersure hot flashes yesterday.  There is some brown spotting.  its time to accept, this is my reproductive end.  Even with Hormones pumping thru my body.  I wonder if we were to try harvesting if there is different meds for that and if that would even happen?  Somehow I don't think so.  This wasn't the best cycle, i knew that going in.  I am taking my Fertil Co all my oils religiously 3 times a day, but nature finds a way when it wants to.  Just like a river that's been dammed, it will find its way.
I am being told very loudly, NO!
Although I think, my Alvin is acting up and I do have a great deal of other pain going on right now, so it is difficult to focus on what my body is feeling.  yet I think i know the answer.
We will see.  4 days till the hunt.  We will see

Cycle #4 - 2nd shot - day 4

Here we are at our 4th and final cycle.  Yes it really is our last one.

Xtended has been officially drained. 

On Menopur again.  but He's fancied up the dosage. 150 on days 3-5-7  and 300 on days 4&6.  

So what that means is .......... 150 is 1ml of saline and 2 vials of menopur (pink lid).

300 is 1ml of saline and 4 vials of menopur.  

Well I am not sure if its possible, but I guess it is.  I had my second shot just over an hour ago and it was the double double.  I can already feel my left ovary saying hello!  

Old Blood

Here is my period, right on cue.
At least I know my body is working as it used to many years ago.  2 weeks after ovulation .......... only this time, unpleasant.  Not in the way that I am in pain.  Not at all in fact.  It started of brown, then to dark red now to a rich full red.  Its rather impressive really.  I ahd been bracing myself for the pain of last month, so this is ok.  However, I am drained.  So exhausted.  This is day 1
I can't help but think about that old blood that made its appearance first.  Why?  Why was it there?  Why was it left over?  It did bleed an Xtra long time last month.  Perhaps that's why this last time the egg hunt was so disappointing.  Maybe my body forced to stop bleeding because of the shots.  I am not sure I will google.
Even though google can give me emotional pain, it is good for the research.
Hot flashes are not around, all the new supplements I am taking must be working!  This makes me happy.  I am a hormonal mess.  Agitated.  Aggressive.  Now add exhausted.  I think i will stay home from work tomorrow.  Get some much needed rest.  Tonight I made a chilli lazy lasagna.  I need the kidney beans to replenish lost iron.

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