More of The Same

well - period seems to have vanished forever.  At least that's how it feels.  It did take a hike last year this time too.  The hot flashes weren't as bad though.  Interesting.
The hot flashes have slowed and they now vary nicely between warming me up on a hot day and egg on the neck fry kind.  I am able to wear sweaters to work now which is nice.
I was in tanks and t-shirts while everyone else I was working with was in a sweater.  I looked like an R-Tard.
Zits all over my face and neck hairline, so maybe ...............
the weight gain subsided and has gone down again.  Nice, thank you.  No I am not gyming.
the depression along with lung issues got to strong for me to keep going forward.  Actually when it was just one or the other i was still able to drag my ass there.  When they tag teamed - Forget It!
Now I am just sitting. I have stuff in the evenings anyhow.  My house - i have found myself going thru closets and drawers and bins and ...... frog just everything and getting rid of stuff.
Is this my PMS now.  Or is it the new crazy of menopause?  I dunno - what I do know is that i need to organize.  Not even clean - just organize.

Hot Flashes vs Periods

A normal period lasts, give or take, a week every month.
5-7 days in a woman's life each month to remind her she's a woman.  During this time we can have cramping, and mess.  For myself, those early periods were hell.  Endometriosis is so crazy painful and your body does a few extra gross things as a special treat.  However, I use to know it would be hell and when the hell was scheduled to come.  So I learned that I had to plan for it.  Plan to be down for a day and a half. I had a cocktail of meds to take that sometimes worked, but mostly didn't.  After my first pregnancy, endo fixed itself and I didn't have the same kind of hell ever again.  Until the day I gave birth to the Queen.  Turned out, the pain I'd had as a teen was just like labor!  Neato!
Now enter in Hot Flashes.
These bitches are exactly that - BITCHES!
They are constant.  I have been flashing Every Day and Every night since August.  Its ridiculous.  Not nice warmth like they were a couple years ago.  Where you just get a rush like you've gotten embarrassed.  These flashes make me sweat under my boobs, between my shoulder blades and all around my face and neck.  I am waking up to a wet pillow.  I mean really?  Really!  this is just unpleasant.
I would take a week of bleeding.  At least you know eventually it will end.  I am not so sure about these hot flashes.
They are bitches!

FLASH! and Here I am!

WEll here it is October.
My last period was  August 20.
the flashes I am having have kicked up to a temperature I never thought even existed.  I mean, seriously.  I have always been a sweater girl.  Always cold.  Then when the flashes started a couple years ago, I would feel like I had just gotten embarrassed.  You know the feeling.  Your face goes all red and the warmth is all through you.
Well these puppies make those look like nuthin'!
It's incredible.  Like I've been on the treadmill for 15 minutes of power walking with a heat lamp on me!  This has been going on since August.  I am sweaty.  I sleep in a tank top under an open window with the ceiling fan on.  All that is great till the flash passes and then I am freezing.
My moods have been .................. well I have found myself irritated the last 2 weeks and thought maybe a period is in the works...........but I don't know.  My weight is up a bit, but that's because I am not going to the gym 6 days a week all of a sudden.  I have been going 3 just to keep myself going.  The last couple days I have been tired.  So tired.  I should be at the gym.
I am still taking my Milk thistle/vit E/Primrose combo.  but it is really not doing anything anymore.  I need to do some more homework and figure something better out.
Big thing - I am not on mat leave and that's what should have been going on at this time.  I have been having a hard time with that.  I was supposed to be home right now, getting ready for the arrival of bundles.  Marvelling over how my body has changed.  Glowing from pregnancy not sweaty and dripping under my boobs from the last hot flash.
it I nice though to be able to not pretend anymore.  I haven't talked out loud about some stuff my body is putting me through - hot flashes.  I just kept hoping they weren't real.  I remember when the night sweats started.  Few and far between.  Charley was little - we still lived in the yellow house - then they subsided for a few years.  They came back about 2007? I think.  Not every night.  But they were definitely there ......................... not in to these kick my ass flashes that make me flash husband every time I have one.
I can strip faster than a peeler at the Aldy inn!

A Regular Period?

So WHAT THE HELL!

I can say I have been having a period every month since January.
Of course the first 3 months were because I was on all those hormones, but how does that explain now?  No hot flashes
can I contribute this odd change to the hormones I did take?
maybe the progestrone I started taking beginning of June?
I am still taking the evening primrose, milk thistle and selenium........
Maybe my new diet and health plan?  Excercise?
Well whatever it is I'll take it.  Yes, it is true.  I'd rather have my period than not.  I don't feel so heavy, my mood is better, the wieght gain appears a bit more in control ....... yup - for now it is a good thing

In Conclusion

since I am not using my period anymore why continue getting it?

the hormones that are supposed to be racing around in my body doing specific jobs are not doing them.
Progestrone? estrogen?  FSH?  just screwing me over really with zits, mood swings, forgetfulness, depression, weight gain, greasy hair ................. i wonder.  If the period stops all together, will my body be happy or sad

.
.
.
.
.

PERIOD!

Acceptance

WEll - It's been 2 weeks since finding out my eggs have shriveled.
Oh I've felt different twinges, discharge is crazy.  My hormones are obviously working themselves out.  Hot flashes coming and going politely.  Night sweats being assholes, which is unusual for them.  The night stuff hasn't happened for awhile, but everything seems to be finding its ground zero.  No period in sight.  My last chemically induced one was March 5.  Dr. Ovary wanted to set up a closure appointment.  I still haven't done that yet.  Guess I will.
So for now I slide in to meno-pause I guess.  Skin has taken a turn for the worse over the last few months.  Like where is the moisture at?  I drink water like crazy at work. So much that I am in the bathroom once an hour.  I really notice the dryness.  Especially on my face under my eyes.  I need to switch out my foundation it's so bad.  yet I can have these wacky grease moments.  Especially with my hair!  Estrogen - or lack of i suppose.  I notice the elasticity is different too.  So bizarre to feel the change and notice it.
However, I must say, now that i am accepting the no baby thing, the meno-pause thing is really getting much easier.  I don't feel guilty or try to fight each and every hot flash.  Its just exhausting when you do that!  I am off all the supplements, although I am thinking I will go back on the Coenzyme Q10 the doc gave me for Fertility.  I did spend a pile on them.  It's not like they are at all bad for me. I'll take them till they are gone.  Throwing them out seems like such a waste.
So I wonder when I will get a period again.  I also wonder what it will be like.  There was stuff in there.  It was growing.  There was a uterine lining ......... like where does it go?  Does it shrink along with the eggs?  There were 4 in there.  They've go to come out don't they?  I would think something does .............. and will it be nasty like the last one?  Tar and pudding leaking out of me.  Nice image I know.  But that's what this blog is all about, how it really is to be a girl.
When you are and have been as body aware as I have been for the last 10 years, there are things you notice that change that someone else would just float right over and not notice.  I was alone for a long time too noticing odd changes that you might pass off.
Period changes, discharge changes, more interested in sex changes, hair, my allergies have been a HUGE one too - just so many minute things that change so gradually till most women suddenly go - when the hell did that happen?  It's an interesting journey I will continue to share.

Blog On

Dear Ms Pause

Dear Ms. Pause,

     The first time I recall meeting your sister Peri,  was in the fall of 1997.  I had just turned 28 years old.  I didn't know who she was.  Maybe we'd met before, but it wasn't significant enough for me to remember.   The visit was unannounced and short lived.  I think I must have made her mad when I got pregnant shortly after our first meeting.  She came around again soon after Charlotte was born.  I was so busy I didn't know what to make of her.  She was sneaky, only coming at night when I was asleep. I didn't recognize her as the same.  I thought it was Mr thyroid knocking, but it never was.  She turned into my first suspect,  so she switched it up.

Next she played with my delicate hormones.   Making my mind think things that would make me blush.  My body doing things I didn't think possible.  Then in 2003 she really started to play.  She re-introduced herself to me the same way she had years earlier, intent on making herself known.  I couldn't deny who she was this time.  

I visited my Dr and asked for more testing, she hid every time.  He telling me I am too young to have her making a home in my body for you Ms Pause.   I went to my mother and asked her if she recognized Peri.  She dismissed me, telling me its not Peri and that I am suffering from stress.

Stress sounded good to me.  I did and was experiencing it a lot , so I did my best to convince myself that's all it was.  That worked for a few years.  I teetered and tottered always knowing it was Peri.  As time went on I became convinced it was Peri.  I tried to talk to her, tell her I am only in my mid-thirties, please leave me be.  I begged her as I began to realize the chance to have another child was rapidly running out.  That's when I learned, Peri can not hear.

As time went on I felt you visit Ms Pause.  I knew you were coming to see if your room was ready to take up residence.  You were just visiting your sister.  I fought you, I ignored you.  Taking all kinds of vitamins, reading books on what can I do, hormones, shots.  Unfortunately, keeping calm and stress free was one of the main weapons against you.  That is something my life does not seem to ever be without.  You decided the room is nearly ready as you and your sister began entertaining. 
You were so much stronger than I anticipated.

I know you are still moving a few things in.  Peri is here too and the two of you are getting along nicely.  

I'm sure it won't be long now till you live here completely.  I will still remind you to keep the party's quiet and have Madame Primrose on guard.   We do have to try to live here together.  I will do my best to learn from you and embrace your presence now.  I hope I have not done too much damage to your home with the recent battle I raged.  I ask that you respect me and I will respect you.  Please let me have parts of my body back so that I can feel sexy and beautiful again.

You are here Ms Pause this I know, but so am I.  

I am Kristi and I am 43.

I will do my best to live with you with dignity.  I will hold my head high, knowing I've been through the worst of the battle already.  I will be an ear for my girlfriends as I watch them meet your sister as they will in these next few years.  They will not recognize her either.  She is a chameleon.  But I know her tricks well now and see her for who she truly is.  Mind games and all.  I thank you both for making me wise.

Take care.

Respectfully,

Kristi

Just Like those Suicidal Easter Creme Eggs on The Commercials

My eggs have shriveled, gone, disappeared.

ALL of them.  The ones that came from this last cycle.

Every one.

There won't be another try.  There is nothing else to do.
Dr Ovary looked like he was gonna cry too while he searched and searched.  The ones that were nearly big enough on Friday, shrunk.  Not even that they stopped growing, they actually shrunk.
So that's it.

Curiousity Satisfied and Surprised!

Well slap my Ass and call me Dorothy, i got me some eggs in my basket!

Eggs, that Dr Ovary believes, will be big enough to get some action by Monday.
What the Hell!
I go back in Monday at 11:30 to see if they are where they are supposed to be.  There are some.  2 fersure, what looks like a couple more, but my bladder was filling up as I was laying there.  So it was hard to see all that he needed to see.  So 4!!!
Holy Carp!  I was on the wind down to barrenville and despair, guess we are not on the dirt road yet.
Ovaries are still acting out, left more than the right.  Boobs are slow but fulling.  Flashes are coming and going ................. its all very weird.

Blog On?

Fast & Furious

Hot flashes - definite hot flashes.
They come on fast.  Nearly to their top degree mark and vanish just as quick.  That is new.
No sticking around to make me uncomfortable for 5 minutes.  No build.  jut like a switch.  On and Off.
Yes I am taking EVERYTHING.  My Iswearbyit Primrose combo and the fertil horse pills the ovary doc gave me.  Yet here I am with the estrogen switch being turned on and off.
So my ovaries are busy working overtime doing something, while they struggle with flashes. Are my ovaries bi-polar?

Nature vs Chemicals

Well, I think i will be the most surprised on Friday if there is anything going on with my ovaries other than shriveling and retirement.
i am not feeling them doing anything as I have in the past.  I mean, its there, but not like it has been previously.  Had a couple fersure hot flashes yesterday.  There is some brown spotting.  its time to accept, this is my reproductive end.  Even with Hormones pumping thru my body.  I wonder if we were to try harvesting if there is different meds for that and if that would even happen?  Somehow I don't think so.  This wasn't the best cycle, i knew that going in.  I am taking my Fertil Co all my oils religiously 3 times a day, but nature finds a way when it wants to.  Just like a river that's been dammed, it will find its way.
I am being told very loudly, NO!
Although I think, my Alvin is acting up and I do have a great deal of other pain going on right now, so it is difficult to focus on what my body is feeling.  yet I think i know the answer.
We will see.  4 days till the hunt.  We will see

Cycle #4 - 2nd shot - day 4

Here we are at our 4th and final cycle.  Yes it really is our last one.

Xtended has been officially drained. 

On Menopur again.  but He's fancied up the dosage. 150 on days 3-5-7  and 300 on days 4&6.  

So what that means is .......... 150 is 1ml of saline and 2 vials of menopur (pink lid).

300 is 1ml of saline and 4 vials of menopur.  

Well I am not sure if its possible, but I guess it is.  I had my second shot just over an hour ago and it was the double double.  I can already feel my left ovary saying hello!  

Old Blood

Here is my period, right on cue.
At least I know my body is working as it used to many years ago.  2 weeks after ovulation .......... only this time, unpleasant.  Not in the way that I am in pain.  Not at all in fact.  It started of brown, then to dark red now to a rich full red.  Its rather impressive really.  I ahd been bracing myself for the pain of last month, so this is ok.  However, I am drained.  So exhausted.  This is day 1
I can't help but think about that old blood that made its appearance first.  Why?  Why was it there?  Why was it left over?  It did bleed an Xtra long time last month.  Perhaps that's why this last time the egg hunt was so disappointing.  Maybe my body forced to stop bleeding because of the shots.  I am not sure I will google.
Even though google can give me emotional pain, it is good for the research.
Hot flashes are not around, all the new supplements I am taking must be working!  This makes me happy.  I am a hormonal mess.  Agitated.  Aggressive.  Now add exhausted.  I think i will stay home from work tomorrow.  Get some much needed rest.  Tonight I made a chilli lazy lasagna.  I need the kidney beans to replenish lost iron.

Blog On

So Many Supplements

Well since getting back on the Primrose bandwagon, those warm isitthetea flashes have subsided!  Thank Goodness.
That  is one thing I have learned since gliding into this hot flash thing.  If I don't want the warm blush to turn in to a hot Flash, i gotta arrest it right away!
I still shake my head wondering why the hell I stopped in the first place.  Frig!  My wierdness cost us this last cycle.  I know it did.  3 eggs, again.  Only this time, i dropped the ball and didn't take the oil.  Dumbass.
So now with one old egg, that took a long time to mature, we triggered and we will try it the old fashioned way.  Intercourse.
Doc has got me on another supplement now.  Fertil Q10.    Its as big as a frappin horse pill and I have to take 6 a day!  6!!  So those along with the calcium I take mid afternoon.  The primrose/milk thistle/E combo I am trying to take 3 times a day.  Maybe need to go back to 2.
 And the Omega 3 i take 2 a day, but not when I take the combo and now not when I take the Q10!  Q10 has to be taken on its own.  Great.  I am running out of times to take things on their own.
HOwever, the flashes have subsided so that is good.  Cuz those things is gross!  once they get hold of me, my night sweats are so bad my pillow is soaked when i get up in the AM.  The flashes while I am working isn't so great either.  So for now, i feel like I'm 40 again!  YaY!

NOOOOOOO!

THESE CAN'T BE HOT FLASHES!!!

NOT NOW?!!

Will they eff up what we are doing?  

it is oh so mild - could be the hot tea I am drinking - could be the fleece I am wearing - Fuck!  Better not be a hot flash.
I thought i was having one last friday - oh so mild.  So mild - but frig - if it is and I am still bleeding ......... I can feel my left ovary gettin' busy.  That is good.  Hopefully, the part of my body that is still a woman, will power thru, produce some lovely big healthy eggs, get fertilized on Monday and implant themselves in a juicy rich uterine lining.  Please, please ignore the hot flashes and hormonal imbalancing,  Implant, flourish, grow!
but first, please ovaries, do what you did last month and power out some eggs!
This is our last chance!  and hot flashes, if that's what you indeed are ..................

FUCK OFF!

Thank you

Evening Primrose

In all the hub-bub I stopped taking my evening primrose.  Why would I do that?  I am not sure.
2 in the morning - 2 at bed - keeps my estrogen up.  Do I blame our recent unsuccessful IUI on this?
Blame? No.  But do I think its insufficient use helped?  YUP.  I don't know why I stopped, so weird.  Kept up with the Folic, Calcium and C, but dropped the most important one to keep me functioning as a woman.  Well I am back on track!
Estrogen is key in helping to build a uterine lining.  Since my ovaries are not really into producing Estrogen anymore, I rely on Evening Primrose to help my body still function on the feminine side.  Thank You Meno-Pause.
Started a messy,  AF monday afternoon - so we call tuesday Feb 5th day one.  By yesterday I was in pain.  Lots of cramping.  Been a long time.  I start on the same dose of Menopur tomorrow, 7th!  then the egg hunt on friday the 15th.  Hopefully with the same results as last time.  Breasts are a tiny bit sore, but hardly noticeable.  I shed a few lbs too with this cycle!  Guess its been pent up for awhile.
I am cutting down my morning coffee intake so that  I will be weaned off completely by the end of the week.  Husband is taking his Folic and Omega in the morning and a special One-A-Day  formulated especially for men, with dinner.  Zinc and Selenium are extremely important for strong sperm.  This time when I have the IUI, and we are to copulate for those 2 days to increase our chances, he will get it up and do it!!!
DUH!  Frig i hate it when he gives me reasons to blame him for things!!
I don't care if he has to watch porn on the computer and fuck me, just fuck me, over and over and over again please for 2 days thank you!
This being our last go.  I do believe we have used our limit with insurance now.  So in 4 weeks i will either be anxiously beginning the 3 mnth wait for stroller shopping or anxiously waiting to move so that I can get a puppy.
STICKY BABY DUST PLEASE!

Hot Flash Friday???

Nooooooo

soemthing happened yesterday - its happening now.  Oh so mild.  Is it?  Is it just warm everywhere?  Is it the coffee?  Is it the allergies?

I am so sad

Smoke up my Vagina

the negative has entered into my brain.
What if nothing has happened.
So a test says positive right now.  Firstly its too soon.  Second, I still have that trigger shot in my bloodstream.  So what if i feel stuff.  I am building up to a big disappointment!!!  Big Fat False Positive!
I won't believe unless the dr tells me so.
For now, life gets out of limbo and goes on just as my oven is empty.
i will hold back and do my best not to test till next weekend .................

IUI

Well - it is done.

Holy Cow.  It feels very weird to be sitting here and I could have a fertilized egg or eggs vying for a spot to implant in my uterine wall right this moment.
Everyone was so happy when I got to the Dr's office yesterday.  Especially the Dr.  I kept thinking, why wouldn't he be.  He gets to play with my vagina and I paid him 500bux to do so!
I laid there while he talked about Google and how people sometimes read too much.  He was glad to hear that I haven't polluted my mind as much as other women he's had in.  He skillfully inserted the speculum and positioned his bright light on my carefully, newly shaved Hoohoo.  I lay there listening to him, taking deep breaths and trying to keep relaxed.  He took the catheter and inserted it thru my cervix.  No, it did not feel at all nice.  He commented on how it went in beautifully.  Xcellent!  Lyle's guys looked good and there were lots of them.  I had asked.  Gotta know what the product is going in.  Then I lay there a few minutes, to let it 'settle' after he left staring at the ceiling.  They should really paint the ceiling or get new tiles in or something I thought.
The staff was beaming when I came out of the room.  Kim so excited for me.  She gave me my prescription for progesterone (Prometrium) that I must insert vaginally each night.  It helps keep the uterine lining stable for implantation.  Hey, I'll do whatever it takes to make my uterine lining zygote friendly!  If I am pregnant, I take it for the whole first trimester.
I came home and laid on the couch.  Legs up on the back of the couch to just give my uterus a nice level, non moving environment.  It was so odd laying there thinking, I could be fertilizing right that moment.  I have 3 shots in there.  Crazy to think about.  I was crampy for the evening.  My uterus, really making itself known.  Once I took the progestrone, the icky stopped.  So that is cool.  Feel great this morning!
So now the waiting begins.  I am supposed to test in 2 weeks.
I am so crazy aware of my body.  We'll see how it goes.  I will probably end up testing earlier.
I wish I could share all of this with my Sister.  she did this too.  But I can't.  makes me sad.
Blog On

Insemination Anxiety

I am scared

the success rate for women over 40 isn't so great.
i have some decent odds in my favour.  There are 3 eggs.  One of them has to get it on with a sperm right?
I've been pregnant before, so I know I can get that way.
I have husband taking folic acid and omega 3's as I read that is good for strong sperm.
I made Broccoli soup yesterday in preparation for tomorrow.  After the turkey baster has defiled me, i will come home and lay here.  I will read my CAIB book and study.
Gave myself my last shot, HCG this morning at 7AM.  The "trigger" to signal my ovaries to let er' rip!  send those fat eggs down the chute!  Husband's sperm all washed and ready to meet with them.
My uterus feels heavy.  I feel ovulaty/crampy.  Stuff is happening.  I am bloated.  I am zitty.
My uterine lining was at 5.9 friday.  So it will be prime tomorrow afternoon.
I've been religious about eating my romaine every day.  Got my calcium supplements happening mid day, Omega 3's ............... to make sure my uterine lining is rich enough ......... this just has to happen!  I really hope I am one of the 2%

A Basket of Eggs

WE HAVE EGGS IN OUR BASKET!

2 possibly 3!!!!  The third one is there, but hiding.  That is why its named possibly.  Kim said 3!!!  so 3 it is!
So, Sunday morning between 7 and 8 i take the HCG shot.  Then Monday, the 21st the turkey Baster makes its appearance.
OMGosh! . I am so happy and so freaked out!

ACK!

aTingling

First the left gave me a tingle, then the right reminded me it was there.  Normally, when i feel my ovaries,  its only one.  But both within an hour of each other?  I sure hope thats a good sign.
Day 3 third shot in.  All is going well.
No hot flashes.  No nausea.  No bruises.  I am actually a little scared at how well i can manage a shot now.  This mornings was cold.  I had it set up in the bathroom.  The window was open and the frozen cold came in and colded up my meds.  It stung a little going in.
I promised myself i wouldnt read about success rates.  Wish i'd kept that promise to myself.  They do vary, but its still not great odds.  I wont read them anymore.
Friday is the Day i find out.  I am keeping my chin up that my basket will be full of eggs.

GREEN LIGHT!

it started off with a spot and i was skeptical.  Then i became light and by wednesday I was calling Kim to let her know it's Go Time!
I take my first double dose of Menopur tomorrow.

Wish me luck that my ovaries produce big healthy eggs

WooHoo!

in the words of Shania Twain -- DAMN! I Feel Like a Woman

My breasts are swollen and sore.  My nipples are tender ..... it's been awhile since my hormones have this kind of party.  I have skillfully gained 5 pounds in the last 10 days.  I mean like BAM.  I check my wieght like clock work.  yes i am obsessed.  and there it was staring back at me.  155.  What The Hell!  I was pissed because I'd swelled up to 150 over the last couple months, now suddenly 5 lbs appears.
i am tired.  No not bitvhing that I am tired of the gain, tired in the sense that I need to sleep!  All this week, stupid tired.  Yes, it has crossed my mind to go get a prego test.  The last one I took was a mnth ago before my last period ...er....spotting episode.  I highly doubt that any positive news would come back of it, but I may check anyhow to be sure.
Frig - this last 5 has put me 10 over last year this time and I can ow officially not fit my dress pants for work!  Squeezing into them and bursting the seams as I have been is no longer working.  Today I wear my L.A. jeans as it is Friday.  the waist band is higher and keeps me belly in place a bit better.
Although the curves aren't so horrible, the stretching of the skin sucks and itches.  The overall heaviness is not so hot either.
I am thinking its just bloatation and after this weekend of Green tea, Salad and popcorn i might shed at least enough to feel comfortable in my skin for next week.

Blog On.