day 60

Well, here i am, day 60 and still no period. I have been, however, welcomed my sex drive over the last couple weeks. so that nice. Vaginal dryness sucks hard. So its nice to not have that right now. Usually it means i am ovulating. I'll maybe go pick up another test just to make sure. No I don't feel at all pregnant, but you just never know. Better safe than sorry, right?

Hey there Day 50!

Sex Drive?

*KNOCK* KNOCK* KNOCK*

hello?

Hi - I am your sex drive dropping in. Is Lyle home?

Holy smokes. am I ovulating? I have some zits. Hmmmm ......... funny to be excited about somehting you do your best to avoid so much in your life.

Thinning

Great!

Just perfect!

I've just realized ...... all that hair i've been losing .......... I'M GOING BALD!!! FERFUCKSAKE!

I am guilty

45 days and counting ..............

so of course now I am beginning to blame myself. Why blame myself you say? well becuase it was not more than a few weeks ago I was afraid of the thought of getting pregnant! my selfishness to have the wedding that is in my head. Maybe it was those thoughts that have ceased my period and shoved me into amenorrhea.

So here marks and begins the guilt I will put on myself. The guilt for ever taking a birth control pill. The guilt for ever taking the morning after pill. The guilt I will shoulder and carry for being a barren bride and not giving my husband and daughter the extension of a family they both deserve.

Guilt

Welcome Forty-One?

So i am feeling very much like I am the only woman in the world to be going through this at such a young age. The hot flashes have subsided i still have a bit of nauseous, but not like it was the other day. Apparently all in the range of normal for meno-pause. Lovely. Yup I took a test and it just laughed and laughed at me. To which I decided a bottle of wine was in order to drown out the laughing. Nope still no sign of a period. What day is it now? Exactly 40. i keep thinking maybe its doing what it did last cycle. Showing up on the 42nd day? but then last cycle I don't recall going through as much tummy sick and flashing quite the same. Notice how I have turned it into cycle instead of month? I don't go by the month anymore. so sad.

It pisses me off you know. I mean for all of the obvious reasons that I have mentioned before, but also because, this is a time that I wanted to go through graciously. i wanted to enjoy my meno-pause. and now I can't. It sucks! Enjoy meno-pause. Yah I know it sounds wierd, but yes ENJOY. I mean my body is changing. Is this my meno-pausal body? My crones shape? Not bad kristi! Lyle's got himself one hot lady!

But guess what? I can't enjoy this time. I am clouded in my head with screams. Screams of anger and sadness. We missed our window. Its gone. The window we had and started on before the accident ....... GONE

so here I sit. Bitter and angry. If he had sperm could we have gotten pregnant? Could we have gotten pregnant in the last 3 years? Had i not gotten hit we would have kept the momentum going that we had begun with the fertility testing. I couldn't even entertain the thought of carrying a fetus during that time let alone even having sex. There was so much friggin' pain no matter which way we fucked. I lost so much more than I can even think about because of that Stupid - Stupid Car Accident!

i look at my 12 year old daughter and I remember her inside me like it was yesterday. i remember her birth like it only happened last night. i carry guilt that Lyle will Never have a blood line. His dad. His mom. Charlotte not getting a sibling. She will Never get the chance to be an Aunt .......... it breaks my heart and all I can do is cry.

Getting Older sucks ASS

Menopause Morning Sickness

day 5 of nauseous in the morning.

Read about hormones and menopause and morning sickness is a symptom. But now I am beginning to wonder ........... got a lot of mixed feelings about that.

do I feel pregnant? Nope. not one little bit. Lets not forget to mention how stupid I would feel after all the ranting I've done this week if I were. Not to mention -- the job I JUST started! ACK!!!

think i might just hit Wal-Mart up for a test this morning just to be sure. I'd like to partake of Bevvy's this weekend to celebrate my birthday. Hate to find out after that was an Xtra really bad idea .................

Blog On

is this what 41 is gonna be

mmmmmm Vaginal dryness and hot flashes what a wonderful lead up to 41

feeling special. Yup -- real special

just for some delicate frosting on this childbearing goodbye my body is giving me, i get to have some lovely little pin zits. From Halloween chocolate you say? no, i didn't have any. Its the hormones. Nice zits all in my scalp and the nape of my neck hurty ones Around my mouth and forehead ......... ahhhhhhh ........ not yet over Forty and i am already not impressed.

Blog On

Night Sweats

So pleasant. Awoken at 4AM in sweat and noting but heat. These are hot flashes. They have to be. My period is still not peeking its bright head anywhere around. Its gotta be the hormones making up for it. I am zitty like crazy, bloated, sweating ......... these are hot flashes.

I haven't slept. My mind is racing. What can I do? How do i stop or slow this natural process of being a woman.

I WANT ANOTHER CHILD

I think about that brown bag he brought home nearly 2 months ago now. How he's done nothing to make a plan to get in to the lab and get things looked after

After my non-waking up on the couch we meet in the kitchen. he asks why I slept out there. I explain to him, because I was hot. A hot flash. I'm obviously upset. So I thought. Or perhaps me being upset doesn't matter. I tell him. yes I was just like that, I TELL him he needs to get it sorted and get in to the lab with his brown bag. He immediately raises his voice. and it starts. 6:30 in the morning. He's tellling me he doesn't care. That why haven't I done anything? that we aren't having a baby cuz I'm in menopause. That why bother trying .......... the tears well up in my eyes. But I care. and I've done all i can at this point (mental note to self - find more to do about this) I can hear my voice screaming out inside my head NOOOOOOO!

I want anther child! What happened to we'll keep trying. What happened to we'll take what we can get. What happened to do all we can before it gets to the petrie dish .............

now I am nagging he says. He has No time, he's too busy doing things for me. WHAT! then why is it I winterized the yard. Why is it the front patch of grass isn't cut. Why is it that i am cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the house. What the Hell! you paint a shed and stain a playhouse this summer and you are ALWAYS doing something for me!!! FUCK YOU! YOU DON'T EVEN MAKE THE BED IN THE MORNING!

He hurls an excuse and i call him on it. Every one! I'm not doing this. I am not going to roll over and let it go this time. Don't you Dare put your lack of organization on me!

"i haven't even had time to go get birthday presents for you guys"

oh Boo Hoo! That's weird, cuz its not like its a surprise. Our birthdays are the same day Every Year! and Last time I checked, there are 365 days in a year! Pretty sure you could have managed something over that amount of time.

So there it is. That's how he feels. he doesn't care. He doesn't care. how the Hell am I supposed to have a baby let alone Marry someone that doesn't care? and that's another thing. If it weren't for me going out and picking out my ring to get the ball rolling .......... we wouldn't be engaged! Fuck - we barely even got engaged as it was! Him having the ring in his possession, all paid off for 7 months

Well, its important to me to have another child. I had always seen myself having lots of babies ......... even though the little voice in my head told me to enjoy the my pregnancy with Charlotte while I had it. As that was going to be my only one. ........... I am crying just thinking about it. The voice couldn't have been right

I'm 41 and on the last legs of a fertility with a man that doesn't care

guess I have some things to think about