Scared

So I'm scared.

I haven't performed my wifely duty since my period. Poor Man needs it - Badly. Truthfully, so do i. however, i am really scared i will get pregnant now. Yup. that's right I am avoiding it. There are a lot of emotions surrounding that fear.

i am scared to get pregnant now because of the upcoming nuptuals. I am planning a wonderful wedding and the selfish part of me really wants to enjoy the whole experience fetus free. I found a beautiful dress and I would my strong sense of narcissism really wants to enjoy the dress to its maximum. Then the fear comes that what if i get knocked up and I don't get to do it. Not that we wouldn't get married, but it would really not be the same party. I have been losing weight and I am pretty excited about the whole package. Then what if that's it. This is my chance. I turn 41 in a few short weeks. By the time the wedding is done, next year, i will be heading swiftly towards my 42 birthday! For me - babies at 40 was risky. As far as their health went, but it was a roulette wheel i was more than willing to spin. Now, or going on 42 ..... or even 43! I am really starting to ask the questions of how selfish are we? However, the longing for a baby is now turning to the ache. The ache for a sibling for Charlotte. The ache for bloodline for Mntn. The ache for a baby for me.

then the whole disappointing reality that we've been 'doing it' for nearly 3 years Protection Free! So why am I even worried, tossing the idea around, avoiding stuff anyhow. Its obviously NOT in the cards for us!

he has his little brown paper bag from the doctor. he's had it for a month now. He has yet to take care of his part of it. Then of course the thoughts of how small our house is. Me working or not working. The fact that they probably won't help an infertile couple in their 40's to conceive. Then the what if's start to flood my mind. The of course it will happen to me. We end up having our own set of twins because of the pre-menopausal body of mine. The selfish thoughts of this new career i have started and having to say goodbye to it.

yes i want a baby. Yes, Yes i do. Ideally, after my wedding. I would love to conceive during my honeymoon!!! Perfect! but i am so scared of everything else.

Then I can't help but think ....... once again ........ each period I have right now, could be my last. Then that's it. No Babies for Kristi. Healthy or not. Twins or not. NO BABIES! and my heart aches again. I feel the bitterness creep in and that's when I know ......................