Glory

Well, that was short lived.

not so much as the need for a panty liner or balled up toilet paper in my panties.

the Dream for the day was nice.

Anybody want to buy some Menopur?  I'll sell it to you.  Half price!  needles included.

Is It?

We bit O'cramping yesterday.  This morning I wake, is that a period trying its best?
I'd call it just over a spotting.  But just over.  I'll know more as the day prgresses.
I hope its a period.  A real, bloody messy, bright red period.  I know, who wishes that right?  WEll I am.  For a couple of reasons.
First is so that I can shoot myself with these incredibly expensive drugs and see if I can produce an egg.  Second, so that my body can release.  Holy Heck.  Not having a period during this menopausal haze makes you thick.  I am excercising when I can (lots of back & hip pain) really, really watching what and how much I eat.  I have cut my favorite meal, potato's, all but out.  Small portions of everything.  No I am not starving myself as I know what the body does when you do that, and i just keep getting thicker and thicker. My belly!  Jeepers.  Just seems to be.  Thank goodness for firm support everything!  My waist ............ makes me sad.  There was always 11/12inches difference between my waist and hips.  and My waist was loooong.  Now I find a wee bit of waist just in my upper rib cage and there aint no 11inches gap no more!  Thank Goodness for bra's that add 2 cup sizes.  Creative dressing is the key.  I am all but off the wine, even in this wonderous Christmas season.  yup - I be boozeless.  I thought fersure all I had to do was stop drinking and the fat would just shed.  Nope.  That not be the case.
So on to my out loud dreaming ................
if this truly is a healthy period, not like the nasty sad one of October, I will start with 5 days of Menopur on Tuesday the 18th!  That would put me at a scan on Boxing Day.  I hope they will be open.  If all is great and I have produced a healthy egg, I will get the turkey baster sometime the following week.  Then we hope for the best.  If all goes well and I get fertilized ............ carry without miscarry ................ i will be due in September!  Oh My Gosh how exciting that would be.
Okay, Positive thoughts, Positive thoughts.
I don't want to go into all the negative that would and will surround these choices and chances Lyle and I are taking.  The effects on our little family.  The effects on our finances.  The effects on our housing ........
Positive.  Positive.  Positive.
A baby girl - could I name her Alice.  I like Alice.  Simple.  Old unused name.  Or to match Charlotte ....... Georgia/Georgina ............. Theodora .............. Thomasina ............ Frances/Francine ............ they all turn in to boys names.  I like that.  Aaaaaah to dream ................
okay, back to the real world.  Lets get those sheets in the dryer and finish that Christmas baking!

Last period - Oct 15. (if you can call it a period)

It is now Dec 3rd ........i got nothin

Is It Hot in Here?

Nope, just a hot flash.

Holy Heck.  I am taking my primrose/vit E/Bcomplex combination and it is helping.  How do I have such faith?  well, because I stopped for a bit just to see and yup.  The combo makes it easier to get thru.  The flashes are not quite so sweaty and not so often.  But its got to be all 3 twice to 3 times daily to feel the full affect.
Sad thing is, i think i am really heading head first into this thing now.  I think I've only got a  couple if not zero, spotty surprises left.  Over the last few weeks, I've really started to let go of the baby dream.  I have not cried yet - but it will come.  Part of me is still holding on to the dream that I will wake up one morning and my skin will feel like it did a few years ago.  That I won't have even one hot flash.  And that i will have a glorious healthy period!  (its not going to happen, but let the other side of me read that)
What is with this weight gain?  Slow and steady a couple more pounds have creeped on. Now, this is still out for debate as I have been exercising regularly.  So the lbs on the scale quite honestly are probably muscle lbs.  I am feeling a shift in my body as far as how my clothes are fitting as the muscles are pulling things ...... er fat up.  I am still unable to really cardio out because of the accident, but whatever.  I do my best to go for a walk a couple times a week.  Do some squats and my ab stuff, its better than nothing right?  and as I have read, excercise  is always important, but even more important now as our aging body's are getting rid of bone mass, arteries are working hard from the years of crap we've ingested, the stress from our youth taking a toll.  Excercise is Key!!!  I am on the program and in the routine of doing it - that in itself is hard to get to.  So on I will go!  I will keep the faith that one day I will have less back fat and more of my waist back.  It will be a glorious day!

Is This It?

After making the decision to not grab hold of our opportunity in September.  Holding on to the hope that we will have another chance.  Another period.  After all the reading I did about how the 2nd or 3rd subsequent try with hormones gets results ....... October's period came and went. it was not much more than spotting here and then there and then nowhere.  I excitedly called the ovary doctor to let them know I was going to start on the new double dose and to schedule me for the ultrasound.  Day 3 came and it was very clear this was not a period.
Here I am 2 weeks later feeling regret that I didn't do it in September.  It was a good period.  It was a real period.  I chose that stupid course over this.
Will I ever get a real period again?
I am ignoring and pretending the hot flashes aren't happening.  I am taking my evening primrose, Vit E, Folic Acid and B complex faithfully.  I believe it to be helping.  If anything, it is helping my sex drive make an appearance.  Now maybe, if I could slip some of the concoction to my husband ...........
The walking I was doing has subsided due to rain.  But I am faithfully doing squats, side bends and core excercises every night.  I've got to find the waist that Ms. Pause has so gleefully been taking over.  The wieght gain is whatever.  I can't stress out over it.  Hormones are such a bitch. I have discovered since starting up on my squats and waist trimmers, the numbers on the scale have been inching up, yet I am getting tighter.  So I know its muscle.  Ms. Pause can take a lot away from me, but she can't take my muscle memory.  There was a time I was in fabulous shape.  Had amazing legs and a nice back, so if I can find all that, even if its under 2 inches of insulation, that will be fine.  Everything will sit higher and tighter.  We will wait and see if I eventually have another 'real' period and if not - at least I'll have a rock hard ass!

Poo

Does meno-pause make you constipated?

Menopur and so Many Decisions

WEll here we are again, another period.  It's a good one.  Messy, everything is tender, I am so very, very tired ........ and so off I went to the ovary doctor to see what we are doing.  He wants me taking a heavier dosage and this time a different drug.  To stimulate me more.
Menopur.  That's $700 bux of expensive double dosage of drug.  YiKes!  Good thing the husbands plan covers it.  It cost me 12 dollars, the dispensing fee.  Cool.
But - this time I bought it from the pharmacy.  Wal-Mart pharmacy.  they ahd to order it in.  I picked it up last night from a very confused pharmacist.  She was trying so hard to understand how many mlls and how many shots and how to mix it ............ i need to call my ovary specialist today and go over it.  Don't want to mess this up!
however, there is something else to consider this time.  I have started a course at my work.  Training for the next step up in the company.  For the next 2 weeks, starting next week, I am in a course.  I have managed permission from my instructor for next Friday to come to class late for a specialist appointment, so that is good.  But what if this drug actually works?  What if I actually get some good healthy eggs this time?  They will want to do the "boost" the week after.......i will need to miss more of my course again.  Get more permission from the instructor, then i will need to go again to get the turkey baster!  This might be bad timing.  I mean, I want to do this and I want a good result and I am eager for the result, but not at the cost of my schooling.  Somthing that is very valuable for my future and the $$$ i will be bringing in.  The direction I am going with my career.  Especially if it all works out and I am sitting here in a year with a bundle of combined genetics of mine and my husbands.  I want to know I have a job to go back to.  More options for a job to go back to.
Do I wait for another cycle?  Another cycle that may not come.  Another cycle that may not be as good as this one?  Or maybe this one is a good one at all, i just think it is cause I feel like such shit.............
What do i do?