I am angry more than anything.
I
m angry about a few things.
Firstly cause this is it. I mean. Obviously Mountain can't get me pregnant. I am ovulating. All the charts, pee'd on sticks, temp checks and doctor say so. His sperm count is low. and He has procrastinated himself up the ass about going and getting the second test we need to make it fersure to get to the next level.
I was going to push to get to some kind of next level on my own, but that is dumb.
i am Not working. Before when I was working we could have done it.
We would have had to sell and buy. It could have worked. By the skin of our teeth, but it could have worked. Now? forget it. We could Never get approved for a bigger mortgage now and we certainly couldn't live here with the three of us and possible 3 more!
I am 40 in 6 weeks. There are so, so many risks at being pregnant. Not just to the baby, but for myself.
then there's the part of my that believes Sometimes its just not meant to be and there is some unforeseen reason for that. Tempting fate......I don't know.
There's also the watching and learning I've been doing about mountain and how shitty he is with the discipline of our cat we got. He is bad. He is an ungood parent to that cat! it can only make me think he'd be ungood with our baby. Inconsistent must be his middle name.
Of course then there's my accident. The being able to walk thing. The hip thing. The leg thing. More than likely I'd end up bed ridden. I have a lot of pain and it is NOT going away or fixing itself. I am doing everything I am supposed to. 2 steps forward 1 step back. this last one was 2 steps back though and i find it so frustrating. There is NO was we can afford a baby right now or in the near future, cuz realistically, we don't know when or if I am going to get better.
so here I sit. Looking at my daughters disgusting room and my house jammed full of stuff and the walls that I can't even get close to to paint. here I sit, almost grateful that I m not pregnant and marvelling at how quickly things change in a persons life.
We'll just have lots of cats that I will raise.
Blog On!
Blog On!
4 comments:
You still have time. Not a lot, but some!
i do still have time -
but now ....... unless.........a baby will just be a nice surprise and a bigger blessing than it would have been originally.
I was thinking today.... Your sister will need a lot of help with her babies, maybe that can help with your baby fix. I know you are sad.
its not really a fix I am after. its the bloodline. its the sibling for Charley. The bloodline for him and the wanting of building more.
buts its ok.
Everything happens and doens't happen for a reason
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