Welcome Forty-One?

So i am feeling very much like I am the only woman in the world to be going through this at such a young age. The hot flashes have subsided i still have a bit of nauseous, but not like it was the other day. Apparently all in the range of normal for meno-pause. Lovely. Yup I took a test and it just laughed and laughed at me. To which I decided a bottle of wine was in order to drown out the laughing. Nope still no sign of a period. What day is it now? Exactly 40. i keep thinking maybe its doing what it did last cycle. Showing up on the 42nd day? but then last cycle I don't recall going through as much tummy sick and flashing quite the same. Notice how I have turned it into cycle instead of month? I don't go by the month anymore. so sad.

It pisses me off you know. I mean for all of the obvious reasons that I have mentioned before, but also because, this is a time that I wanted to go through graciously. i wanted to enjoy my meno-pause. and now I can't. It sucks! Enjoy meno-pause. Yah I know it sounds wierd, but yes ENJOY. I mean my body is changing. Is this my meno-pausal body? My crones shape? Not bad kristi! Lyle's got himself one hot lady!

But guess what? I can't enjoy this time. I am clouded in my head with screams. Screams of anger and sadness. We missed our window. Its gone. The window we had and started on before the accident ....... GONE

so here I sit. Bitter and angry. If he had sperm could we have gotten pregnant? Could we have gotten pregnant in the last 3 years? Had i not gotten hit we would have kept the momentum going that we had begun with the fertility testing. I couldn't even entertain the thought of carrying a fetus during that time let alone even having sex. There was so much friggin' pain no matter which way we fucked. I lost so much more than I can even think about because of that Stupid - Stupid Car Accident!

i look at my 12 year old daughter and I remember her inside me like it was yesterday. i remember her birth like it only happened last night. i carry guilt that Lyle will Never have a blood line. His dad. His mom. Charlotte not getting a sibling. She will Never get the chance to be an Aunt .......... it breaks my heart and all I can do is cry.

Getting Older sucks ASS